Vulnerable. Might delete later.

Today is a Saturday. I love peaceful Saturdays. I am sitting on my bed with my laptop, snuggled in a hoody and pjs. No deadlines today, and I get to slow down to catch up on some stuff and think through the week.

When I opened my WordPress, I saw I’ve posted an even 100 blog posts now. Yay! And then I noticed that my unpublished drafts are a whopping two-thirds of that number. It made me think.

See, here’s something about me… I don’t like opening up to people, it feels unsafe, and that’s why most of those drafts never got past the sloppy idea stage. (We’ll see if I go crazy and publish this one before deciding it’s too personal πŸ˜› )

I’m all about being there for them, a refuge and encouragement. I want them to know that they can tell me absolutely anything, and I’ll always listen and try to help how ever I can. In my mind that is simply what it means to be a friend.

But I can’t seem to do it the other way around (with most).

I have a hard time actually telling someone out loud that I love them, even while I make sure to show it to them in other ways.

Asking “how are you?” is my reflex of truly caring, but I panic when they return the question. I don’t really want to tell.

When anyone shows excitement to see me, I’m at a total loss for what to do or think or how to respond.

Unless I’m checking up on you, it takes all my courage to text first.

If you say I have a pretty singing voice, I might throw up on you from nervousness. (I can neither confirm nor deny if this has happened in real life.)

You’d probably never know this about me if you watched me interact with people. lol My friends think I’m confident and outgoing and always know the perfect thing to say to smooth things over. But as soon as anyone shows interest in me, I’m very likely freaking out inside.

Honestly it kills me sometimes when I think of all the things I’ve let go unsaid, that I’ve swallowed back for no good reason. Because, sooner than I might think, I could never again have a chance to say those things.

My characters in Eagledare scare me. J is a cheerful friend to everyone, but will not let anyone be a friend to him for fear of being let down and getting hurt again. S thinks she is never good enough, and will not let herself believe anyone is her friend for fear of letting them down and them leaving her again. Funny thing– they become fast friends. (Y’all might even ship them.) But it can’t last… because they both won’t risk the possible pain of trusting someone.

And as I wrote the plot’s low-point my heart ached. For these fictional characters? Yes. But also for everyone like them.

They scare me because I think we’re all J or S. Because of his fears, J is in danger of throwing away the best friends and life that had ever happened to him. And because of her fears, S misses out on so many friends and life that she can never get back now.

(.no more spoilers.)

So shut up your quietness and go tell your mom you love her. You might not get to later.

Actually answer the ugly truth to “How are you?”. Vulnerable is scary, but yo, it’s the only way for this friend thing to work.

Just be happy when they’re so excited to see you, not insecure. And hey, it’s okay for you to show that you’ve missed them too… stop hiding it for no reason. Stop worrying so much and invest.

Go ahead and tell that person their hairstyle is cute or you think their story was fantastic or you enjoy spending time with them. They probably won’t bite your head off, ya know.

I’m preaching to me. Anna. The girl with the name no one can pronounce correctly. The bouncy, friendly, cheerful, awkward person… who will also shrink back and hide and be lonely and selfish for no good reason. Cuz every single one of those things in the list up there ^^ is something I wish I had done just yesterday.

1. Here’s something #vulnerable about me… I was so crazy tired yesterday (emotionally, socially, physically) the only thing keeping me from crying was my tiny bit of mascara that would’ve run. I wish I could say I conquered my problems and reached out to people and welcomed the shy ones and all that. But I didn’t. And I just told you that. Yikes.

2. There’s so much I want to say to people but don’t. So here goes.

Thank you to the shy girl at Bible Study who met me right where I was, “holding up a wall” and staring off into the distance sleepily, and talked about anything random. It made my day.

To my friend who came and wrapped her arms around my neck and just stood there and didn’t mind that I was no fun (and I probably accidentally stiffened from not having that love language) — I appreciate you girl and I love you.

To my friend who chatted “heloooooooooooooooooo” in the middle of my work day, it cracked me up and made me feel special that you wanted to talk!

Thanks to my sister for the questioning thumbs up. You noticed I wasn’t feeling so good, and that’s sweet of you. πŸ˜€

To my bro, um wow, you are a really cool guy, and you kinda have no idea how much I think you’re cool. XD Thanks for going out to dinner and talking, and I enjoy meeting up with you on campus and that you like having me there, and you are awesome, and I’m rooting for you.

Thank you for being you, to the rest of my fam… I really missed not seeing you all day yesterday and just being around you goofy, caring ppl so much. Sorry I never say that; I sure mean to.

And of course, even though this wasn’t yesterday, thank you to my bff for coming over on short notice to hang out. You rock. Thanks for always wanting to be there for me, even when I’m not so great at sharing my thoughts out loud. You rock.

.ok ’nuff sap.

My point is this: let’s reach out more and allow ourselves to be reached.

I dare y’all to go be open with people. πŸ˜€ It’s worth it.

❀ A

P.S. Thoughts may or may not have been inspired by a fantastic Christmas novella I read yesterday…

17 thoughts on “Vulnerable. Might delete later.

  1. (1.) DO NOT DELETE THIS POST, CHILD. (2.) THIS POST IS AMAZING!!! So encouraged me, dear. Posts like this are the most important, I feel like, because often, it can seem like a lot of people online have perfect lives when in reality, they don’t. So AMAZING job and keep up the awesome work!! You will be rewarded by God. ❀ πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I love love love this post, Anna. I also struggle to really tell my family how much I love them and just settle for doing nice things for them – which is good, but not a substitute for actually saying the words. The struggle of being friendly and “bubbly” but also worried and insecure is very real…thank you for reminding me that I’m not the only one who deals with it!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Oooh Anna, this post is beautiful ❀ Thank you for sharing, even if it was scary for you. I definitely understand those feelings…so hard opening up sometimes…and then when opening up, I panic and think "I shouldn't have been so open." Anyway, I appreciate your honesty here. BTW, Eagledare sounds amazing and I seriously think about it every so often and can't wait to *hopefully* getting to read it some day πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So, you could have totally bee describing me in this post. I’m the quiet one in the family, and tend to just listen, even with friends — at times being the “silent observer”. The Lord has been convicting me on this issue — for one, it’s not really great emotionally to “hold it all in” and never share what we feel, think, etc. No matter what, it *will* all come out eventually . . . I liken it to a volcano πŸ˜€ And that can be detrimental to relationships.

    There’s been some serious family issues we’ve been facing recently involving two of my sisters — and I’ve been pretending it’s all been fine all summer, while emotionally, I’m a case. But the Lord used a sweet friend to convict me about being honest and real with those around me — kind and gracious, yes, but honest and open and real. And refusing to share our feelings, be they joy, sorrow, anguish, happiness, or whatever, keeps others from following Christ’s command to rejoice with those who rejoice, and to weep with those who weep. As my friend pointed out, we can’t bear each others burdens if we never share them!

    And PLEASE don’t delete this post!! I need to refer to it frequently! Thank you for your vulnerability! *hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was a great post, Anna. Yes, we need to let people know we love them, that we care, that we don’t take them for granted no matter what is going on with us at the time.
    Thank you, this was an encouragement. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

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